lostangel
12:17 a.m. - 2008-04-17

Wow, it certainly has been a long time since I made an entry in here. Last year I started a new diary. A diary of poetry that I have written. Guess that is where I have spent my time lately... although I haven't spent a great deal of time there either.

I just reread my last entry in here and I was still dating my ex. Yes, that means we broke up. Almost a year ago now. We have remained the very best of friends since then.

Last October to celebrate my birthday, I had a girls night out to the camp he and I fixed up together. Me and four or five of my very best girlfriends went out for the evening and did a lot of laughing and drinking.... lol.

Well, when I left camp, I went to visit him in the middle of the night. (We broke up in march, this was now october). Well, I was drunk and I let things happen that I shouldn't have.

Because I had not been with a man since he and I broke up I was not on the pill. Well, I ended up pregnant. Yes, pregnant with a child by a man I did not want to be committed to. Pregnant with my FIFTH child. Holy cow! I was blown away. Boys, I hadn't planned for it to happen. I didn't know how I felt. I was pretty sure it wasn't a good feeling that I was feeling... BUT, because I absolutely LOVE babies, I quickly got used to the idea. I started to get happy about it. A baby is a blessing! At least I feel babies are blessings...

By 8 weeks, I had myself talked into it that everything was going to be fine. He was very supportive and said he would be there for me and the baby always, even though I didn't want a relationship with him. I was now excited to see the tiny fingers and toes, wrinkled palms of the babys hands, the pretty blue eyes looking back at me - studying his/her mommies face, nursing the baby, and the smell of its head right after a bath. I was excited!

One saturday morning, Nov. 24th, to be exact, I woke up and realized I had started spotting. Never had a problem of any kind with my other four childrens pregnancies. I knew this was bad. I went to the hospital and they said I hadn't dialated yet, but to come back monday for an ultra sound and to stay in bed until then. That is what I did. Monday at the ultrasound, it was confirmed that the baby had no heartbeat. I passed the baby one week later.

I was heartbroken. Don't understand why things happen the way they do. I have asked myself so many times, why? Why would I get pregnant and not want to be and after I finally get used to the idea and a bit excited, I lose the baby? It makes no sense to me.

I think of the baby often and have written a couple of poems about it, on my other site. I would be six months along now. I was due July 7th, '08. :(

My kids don't know. His kids don't know. Some day we will tell them when they are older.

<< || >>